Last week, actor Ashley French published a now-viral essay in New York Magazine about ‘breaking up’ with a group of toxic mom friends. The essay, she says, was prompted by a flurry of ‘I feel seen’ DMs that she received as a response to her initial blog post.
Given that French is well-known as a Disney child actor and that the purported mom group in question features other famous women, including musician Meghan Trainor and actor-musicians Hilary Duff and Mandy Moore, the internet had a field day. Reddit was flooded with threads exploring various theories, which ranged from deliberating whether French was a MAGA supporter to highlighting her tone-deaf posts following the LA fires and her diva-like behaviour. Amidst this mom group drama, actor Kaley Cuoco’s mom group decided to celebrate her “supportive ride-or-die mom group”, encouraging her followers to do the same, while Trainor responded on TikTok with a video of her typing “me finding out about the mom group drama” as her song ‘Still Don’t Care’ played in the background, adding more fuel to the fire. Duff’s husband, Matthew Koma, posted a photoshopped image of The Cut cover with his face superimposed over French’s, stating: “When you’re the most self-obsessed tone-deaf person on Earth, other moms tend to shift focus to their actual toddlers.”
Clearly, feelings were being felt. A husband jumping into mom group fray came with its own share of commentary. Personally, I think it’s petty, but this episode got me thinking about the dynamics of mom groups, both on WhatsApp and IRL.
In my experience as a mother to a 10-year-old and a six-year-old, I have encountered two kinds of mom groups. There are the mom groups that are formed during pregnancy or in the early days, which act as a support system for the micros (the best stroller to buy, pro tips on how to tie a swaddle and so on) and the macros (post-partum issues and recovery, pre-school admissions, emotional well-being of the mother, and so on). And then some groups are formed during your child’s school years. In the time of nuclear families, the mom WhatsApp groups become your proverbial village.
Lara*, mom to a one-year-old boy, divides her time between Dubai and Mumbai. She is part of a rather active WhatsApp group and cannot state enough how it has been a support system. “Going through the first year of motherhood can be incredibly lonely, but having someone to share the journey with forges real bonds. There’s a reassurance that someone is always there. We have an unspoken zero-judgment policy—just honesty, humour, and understanding.”
But what happens once the moms and babies are through the phase of 4 am panic calls and sleep regression? Lara, like many mothers, found this group in the early throes of motherhood and received support when she truly needed it. She believes that these women will see her through life.
While there are exceptions who stand the test of time, often, for many moms, the groups formed during early motherhood don’t necessarily last. More often than not, the reasons are logistical. For one, it’s rare for all the kids to end up at the same school, and as they grow older, their interests may further diverge. And ultimately, despite even the well-intentioned mom interventions, children will find their own friends, gravitating towards people who reflect who they are becoming and not who we once grouped them with.
That’s not to say that mothers don’t try. It’s comical to observe an almost Becky Sharp-esque undercurrent on these groups when kids start school. The first day of school seems as fraught for the adults as for the kids, the former scouting for connections worthy of building. Soon, playdates are organised, ostensibly for the children, and the dynamics begin to change. And then, WhatsApp groups are created.
This isn’t a new phenomenon.
However, for some mothers, the friendships they cultivate reflect their social standing, often resulting in the formation of cliques. And just like a toxic friend, red flags also appear in mom groups.
In one case, a mother recounts how a class mother constantly cancelled plans with her child but flaunted her new friendship with other class moms whose social circle she wanted to be a part of. This setup tips over to toxicity when the groups become competitive, tracking children’s progress and, presumably, parents’ participation. London-based Naira*, a mom of three, reached her threshold when a parent spoke accusingly about her son on a group chat. “Moments like this turn what should be a supportive space into a judgemental one.” As her children grow into their teens, she is tired of the constant helicopter parenting. “At 11-plus, children are relatively independent, but these groups often become competitive and make parents feel inadequate. I’ve never felt it appropriate to project personal anxiety onto a group chat and create a breeding ground for pressure and worry. It doesn't support anyone.”
So, why do parents put that kind of pressure on themselves to be lifelong friends with class parents and feel they are lacking in some ways if they don’t? For many moms, the fear that their children will be excluded if they do not participate is very real. And let’s face it: no parent wants their children to be impacted adversely.
So, why do parents put that kind of pressure on themselves to be lifelong friends with class parents and feel they are lacking in some ways if they don’t? For many moms, the fear that their children will be excluded if they do not participate is very real.
While that may hold for some, my mother finds these stories of playground politics particularly amusing. Several times since I’ve had children, she has reminded me that she wasn’t ‘besties’ with all my friends’ mothers and yet they all managed to maintain a cordial, long-standing relationship when they met at the occasional PTA meeting or school event. Ultimately, she says, children are going to choose their own friends.
And she’s right. I have witnessed many cases where superficial and forced friendships have backfired, causing fallouts among the children.
In a mom’s group, like in any social group, you’ll find all kinds of personalities, and every experience will be different. For me, making mom friends has turned out to be a boon. I’ve been fortunate to find some solid, supportive women whose kids have organically become friends with mine, and we’ve managed to form relationships that, I hope, will see us through the years. I have also come across women whom I do not relate to and keep my distance from. Over the years, there have been moments of gossip, of exclusion, of competition, but more than that, there have also been moments of support and kindness from the most unexpected places.
It may take you time to find your tribe, and even if you don’t, just know that the kids will be all right.
*Names have been changed/withheld upon request
