In a simpler time, all it took to meet the love of your life was walking up to someone at a bar or bumping into a stranger on your morning commute (they drop the numerous files they’re holding, you help pick them up, your hands touch—the perfect meet-cute). Or there was the other alternative: your parents, aunts, or cousin’s wife’s uncle’s mother would curate potential matches on your behalf, making their draft picks in accordance with time-tested societal parameters.
But with dating apps, the game changed entirely. The seemingly limitless choice that these apps brought to us soon went from spellbinding to crippling, and began to mutilate the way connections—and relationships—were formed. Yes, they were convenient, and offered women more agency (thank you, Bumble!), but these upsides came with a commensurate rise in behaviours like catfishing, ghosting, breadcrumbing, cookie-jarring, roaching, and, arguably worst of all, cuffing.
And along with this whole new vocabulary in the vernacular of modern dating came so many questions. How do you create an attractive online profile? How do you decipher a cryptic text? How do you find confidence and optimism after a date gone wrong? And most importantly, how do you leave a bad date without being rude?
No wonder then, it seems like everyone’s suspicious, commitment-phobic, or just plain exhausted. But while the feeling of gloom and doom is very real, it has also inspired a number of relationship experts to step forward and guide hapless romantics towards their happily ever after. From intimacy curators to bespoke matchmakers and dating coaches, there’s a whole cottage industry of real-life fairy godparents out there to save us from the perils of dating today.
Dating coach
Riti Pinakin, dating coach, gives men the intel on what women want
Among other things, Goa-based dating coach Riti Pinakin teaches men how to talk to women. Dating is always a challenge, but in India, it can feel like entering the Triwizard Tournament. The nuances of Indian dating can be daunting, especially when some are still struggling to grasp the notions of dating in general. “Overseas, the dating scene is more open and familiar, as people have grown up with it. In India dating culture is still fairly new, so it can lend itself to a lot of confusion and mistakes. No one really talks about it growing up. It can be tricky to know whom to approach and how, to suss out the vibe and things in common. My coaching addresses that, focusing on communication and self-worth through a series of classes and roleplays,” shares Pinakin.
Like a teacher of charm, she advices on tactical moves like a flirty text while dispensing actionable dating tips you can take into the real world. Her clientele right now consists mostly of heterosexual men, because “I can’t claim to understand the intricacies of queer dating well enough to coach just yet.”
Her goal is for her clients “to have the confidence (not overconfidence, it's a fine line) to talk to any woman in any room, no matter where you are.” She clarifies, though, that her job isn’t about ‘picking women up’ at all. “I specialise in helping men understand women deeply. Obviously ‘women’ is a generalisation, but some things are universal. Approaching her with charisma, while also making her feel safe and respected, is paramount. Men are often amazed at how making small, basic changes can turn dating around for them.” Her success stories aren’t always about marriage or the ‘end game’. “It’s helping people come out of their shells, at any age, and form genuine connections, that’s really rewarding.”
Bespoke matchmaker
Naina Hiranandani, founder of Sirf Coffee, has a cure for catfishing
Imagine if Indian Matchmaking’s Sima Aunty wasn’t a delightfully meme-worthy boomer, but a sharp, insightful matchmaker for the modern age. Someone who’s MO was more ‘communication’ than ‘kundli-fixin’. That’s what Naina Hiranandani set out to be when she started her bespoke matchmaking service, Sirf Coffee.
Over the last decade, she has brought together like-minded individuals across demographics, desires, and preferences. “Last year alone, we helped someone from Lubumbashi in Congo get married, worked with a professional athlete from Delhi, and set up a 67-year-old single dad from Australia,” she shares.
The way it works is that you send in an application, which is vetted by Hiranandani’s team before they interview you to measure your compatibility with other candidates. “Getting a glimpse into people’s life stories, what makes them tick, and their approach to relationships involves critical thinking, intuition, and creativity,” she says. With her team’s help, the skewing factors of online dating (swiping, online profiles, pictures) are taken out of the equation.
The first interaction between the two members is on a date–over a drink or a cup of coffee. After that, the ball’s entirely in their court. “They can exchange numbers, date for years, get engaged next week, or simply move on to their next match,” explains Hiranandani.
The process is appealing because it has a degree of curation to it that digital dating lacks, and is less likely to burn a person the way online dating can. “The chances of being catfished or strung along with someone who has differing dating goals are far lower here,” Hiranandani adds. “There is someone in the ‘middle’, yet not overbearing, with relevant involvement.” And of course, being a paid service means only people who are serious about it will sign up.
Like a grandma setting up people, Hiranandani’s work feels decidedly old-school, but Sirf Coffee is geared towards those looking for something real from modern dating. “We encourage people to be open-minded and not go by the precedent they’ve already been exposed to,” she explains. “We apply a deeper emphasis on long-term compatibility over superficial attributes. It’s not as glamorous as what you witness on Netflix, but being able to help genuinely amazing individuals in their partnership goals is an incredibly rewarding experience.”
Sex educator
Leeza Mangaldas, intimacy and sex educator, reminds you your needs (or lack thereof) are all valid
Even before Dr Jean Milburn, the neurotic sex therapist of Netflix’s cult drama Sex Education, taught teenagers a thing or two about sex, there was Leeza Mangaldas in India teaching us—teenagers and adults—to have open, healthy conversations around sex.
Is it normal to never have had an orgasm? How okay is it that I want sex more than my partner? Is it strange that I can’t have sex with someone unless I’m already in love with them? Mangaldas knows the questions around navigating intimacy aren’t just endless, they multiply every day in the confusing, modern world of dating. Her expertise lies in helping people answer them without the fear of judgement. “For seven years I have created scientifically accurate, judgement-free video content on Instagram and YouTube around core sexuality education topics: sexual and reproductive anatomy, consent, sexuality, gender identity, relationships, contraception, STIs, and pleasure, with a focus on providing friendly and easy-to-understand answers to frequently asked questions,” says Mangaldas, who started making sex ed content as a hobby while working as a freelance journalist and TV anchor.
Delving into a wide range of topics, from masturbation to other taboo conversations, Mangaldas likes to break down uncomfortable truths around sex. “Most young people turn to the internet when they are looking for information about sex; but there’s a lot of misinformation out there,” she says of the dire need for not just sex but also intimacy education. “Studies indicate that young people with access to comprehensive sex ed are more likely to delay having sex and less likely to take risks with their own (or another person’s) health or safety. That makes it vital that scientifically accurate, judgement-free sex education resources become as easily available; at home, at school, and on the internet,” adds the author of The Sex Book (2022, Harper Collins), who founded a pleasure brand called Leezu’s that makes sex toys and lube.
Intimacy curator
Aili Seghetti, founder of The Intimacy Curator, helps you navigate the radical new world of polycules
You may have a soft understanding of what an intimacy coach does from Netflix’s Too Hot To Handle, and their ‘communication-for-dummies’-esque workshops. Mumbai-based Aili Seghetti explains, however, that the job is far more nuanced. “We curate intimacy experiences for people who are either struggling with emotional, physical, or tertiary forms of intimacy, or those who want to enhance their experiences,” they explain. “Unlike therapy or conventional coaching, curated experiences are talk- and touch-based, one-on-one, one-on-two (or three), and/or cater to a group of people.”
The range of such experiences is vast, and the coaching too varies “depending on the needs and goals of the individual, couple, polycule, or group of people engaged,” Seghetti shares. “There is an initial brief and establishment of goals, which could be finding a long-lasting relationship, learning to have sex for the first time, being less afraid of touch, exploring how to flirt, finding out what polyamory structure works for you, or more physical issues such as navigating erectile dysfunction or vaginismus. Follow-up sessions have a combination of talk-based coaching and experiential learning techniques to facilitate exploration and growth. In between sessions, I suggest activities to integrate the learning into practice. When organising a group event, we take into consideration collective goals and outcomes; for example, meeting people from the community or learning role-playing skills.”
Seghetti is especially drawn to exploring intimacy outside of the norms we often function within. “I get excited about breaking stigmas and exploring alternative forms of intimacy that are more inclusive of relational styles, such as polyamory, asexuality, and non-penetrative sex. Building emotional literacy is not taught at school, although it should. A curator helps navigate the complex interplay between societal expectations and personal desires regarding intimacy. There are tools to develop stronger emotional connections, sometimes especially so for women, the queer community, and people in arranged marriages.”
Mixer host
Elixir Nahar, marketing professional, wants to make dating apps unsuck again
Dating apps, premised on the promise of finding love online, might be the exact opposite demographic you’d expect to find hosting offline mixers. And yet, Elixir Nahar, Senior Marketing Manager at a dating app, doesn’t see it as a counter, but a complement to the idea of finding love in a chaotic world. “It’s great to give our online endeavours IRL arms and legs, and to connect with our users.”
Nahar knows that wading through less-than-serious daters with ambivalent intentions is understandably exhausting, and gets that app fatigue is all too real. “Mixers give us an on-ground perspective on people’s dating experience, which is feedback you wouldn’t ordinarily get.”
An offline mixer requires production, strategy, and effort. In fact, a good mixer can take you straight to the meeting stage of dating, which sloughs off a lot of the murkiness around early courtship. A well-curated mixer can actually help people come out of their shell in many ways —and even if you don’t get a relationship out of it, you might leave with a few new friends. “Coming to a mixer means pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, so when I greet people who come, I always thank them for doing that,” Nahar shares.
There are many ways to measure the success of a mixer but Nahar’s favourite story is from a Mumbai mixer she threw in 2019, during her first month at the job. “One of the attendees reached out to me two years later to tell me she was engaged to someone she’d met at that mixer! It felt like a lovely, full-circle moment; and to be thanked for it gave me the warm fuzzies!”
Relationship therapist
Neha Bhat, relationship therapist, helps you get over all the f*ckbois you fell for before
The uncharted waters of a modern-day commitment, or even of being a singleton looking for love, often need a mariner. In the upper (and upper middle-class) echelons of society, therapy has gone from shoot-at-sight source of shame to a need that is being accounted for more and more, both emotionally and financially, according to Bhat. “Urban India is much more financially secure than it used to be. There's more disposable income, more economic strength. There’s also a long overdue examination of emotional needs, and so, compared to the past, there’s a lot less stigma around it.”
Back when she was an art teacher, Bhat was often the recipient of many a students’ traumatic story. After surviving an abusive relationship of her own, she decided to channel her desire to help people—and her natural talents as a listener—into a career as a relationship therapist. “80 per cent of my clients are couples,” she shares. “The two most common things people come to me with are feeling like their partner has lost interest in them and infidelity. Further digging often unearths sexual trauma or some form of neglect, either at the hands of their parents or a past partner, or cheating. There’s learned behaviour that is often repeated.”
In a dating world rife with the paradox of choice, commitment fears, shallowness, and security risks, the need for a relationship therapist has never been more apparent. “Therapy is a major need in relationships right now, one that I see progressing even more over the next decade,” Bhat adds.
