No Worries is a fortnightly column exploring the ever-evolving and ever-confusing world of modern relationships. Whether it’s with a judgy parent, a friend being weird, a toxic ex, or an insufferable colleague, relationships are not easy. DM us on Instagram (we'll keep it anonymous) or ask for a friend—your guide Cheryl-Ann Couto is here to help.
Q.
My 65-year-old mom recently separated from my dad after 40 years of marriage and now lives with her best friend. I know that they’re actually romantic partners, but she always denies it. How can I become her safe space to come out?
A.
Dear Aspiring Safe Space,
First, my best regards to your mom. She sounds like the kind of person whose real-life story inspires one of those talky OTT dramas where the actors are constantly breaking the fourth wall. Leaving a decades-long marriage in her sixties? Taking up with her best friend slash lover? Not giving in to your persistence that she out herself? An icon.
Oh, I know it isn’t your intention to pressure her! I can tell it’s important to you to be there for her, to let her know she can be her true self with you without fear of judgement. I can also tell it upsets you that she appears to swat away your attempts to support her. All honourable and natural feelings, Aspiring Safe Space. But can you maybe see a pattern here?
There is a clear main character in your ideal version of your mother’s coming out—and it isn’t your mother. In your anxiety to do the right thing, I’m afraid you’ve gone and made this pivotal moment in her life about you. What you want for her, how you’d like her to act, and how disappointed you feel that she isn’t letting you be the tender, loving, exemplary ally to her you know you can be.
Don’t worry, it happens to the most well-meaning of us. In this zeitgeist where we’re expected to constantly perform our humanity, being a Good Person can sometimes feel like a goal to accomplish rather than an empathetic, intuitive way of being. With a slight refocusing though, you can still do right by your mom.
Start by honing in on what she wants. Or in this case, doesn’t want. The clue is in the persistent denials. For reasons best known to your mother, she does not wish to come out right now, at least not to you. You must accept this without question.
As an empathy exercise, though, let’s guess at what these reasons might be:
a) She’s grappling with the internal impact of her new reality (the relief and euphoria of living and loving on her own terms; the loss of the self, the life, and the 40-year-long partnership she’s left behind; the belly tingles of a new romance!) and she needs time.
b) She’s grappling with the possible external repercussions (a woman in her later years prioritising her own happiness and privileging her own desire above the bounds of tradition and society? That’s practically villainy where we come from!) and she needs time.
c) She’s not grappling at all. She just knows exactly how, when and whether she wants to come out and is seeking no external input or validation at this time.
If we’re right about any of these, I reckon the safest space for your mother right now is just...space. Could you create that for her? Space to not talk about her relationship? Space to keep her secret and preserve her privacy for as long as she wants and needs? Space to let her just be? If you can do that, you’ll be telegraphing to her that you understand that she always has the lead in her own story and you’ll be in her corner no matter how she chooses to tell it. This way you both get your wish, and isn’t that always nice?
