There are a few crucial, unspoken things upon which any good friend group hinges. A particular shared history, trauma bond, common enemy, an annual trip, a shared commute, a favourite bar, perhaps even a pair that resists the desire to get together for the wellbeing of the group. The possibilities are varied and endless, but its importance to the group cannot be overstated. For my friend group, that thing might be Koffee with Karan.
Karan Johar’s cult chat show, which debuted in 2004, brought celebrities onto his couch and into our homes. To be a fan of Koffee with Karan (hereby KWK) is not simply to be a viewer of a talk show but to understand its phenomenology.
This is a career milestone for so many young actors. They make their KWK debut. With no live studio audience, and (I say this with utmost romanticisation) no publicists to remind them to think before speaking, the series has given us controversy and sound bytes that have not simply observed culture but shaped it. From nepotism to which actor should endorse a condom brand, to which onscreen pairings—named for the sake of a game—resulted in marriages and children.
KWK is deeply ingrained in the culture of my friend group. Every so often when I’m too busy to text back, my best friend Parthiv (Chhabria) hits me with a trusty “Hey SJ, underwater or what?” to get a response (paraphrasing the iconic text Saif Ali Khan once sent Preity Zinta during the Mumbai floods, as revealed on Koffee with Karan, of course). When the new season was announced, the group chat was abuzz. But when we learned this would be the show’s final season, calendars were cleared and we gathered to watch together.
As I savour these final moments with the show that raised me, below is every thought I had while watching the first episode of Koffee with Karan’s final season.
- The episode begins with a seemingly endless mention of special partners, ranging from Jaquar (classic) to Hide & Seek. To the novice Koffee with Karan viewer, this may be a slog, but for me that’s more rapid-fire questions to look forward to.
- Karan makes his entrance to the giant set, whose periphery is wallpapered like a Sonam Kapoor London home.
- I miss the spiral staircase more than Karan or anyone on the KWK team could know.
- If you know ball you know that ‘Radha’ from Student of the Year, the first sequence Alia Bhatt shot for the film, was on the KWK stage. And if you don’t, trust I will be bringing it up.
- Two decades of “asking people about their sex lives”, Karan says of its legacy, and it’s time for it to end, “now that people are asking about [his]”.
- “A wise man once said, ‘It’s done bro.’” Karan, please, ease us into it. Some of us are still coping.
- Salman enters and sits on Karan’s chair. Aamir already did this on his solo episode, sweetie.
- I would never speak ill of any KWK episode. It’s just not part of my belief system. But the first ever solo episode, with Richard Gere...speaks for itself.
I don’t think I have ever seen such a high-capacity sofa. This better mean we get a full Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham... reunion on the show.
Image courtesy: Jio Hotstar - Salman comes in blazing, “Last season bol bol ke you got us all to do Koffee with Karan.” I wish.
- Which will happen first—Karan mentions Aishwarya unprovoked or Salman alludes to Katrina unprovoked?
- Trick question! The answer is: Salman brings up his rough patch with Shah Rukh unprovoked, shocking even Karan Johar. Now this is what we’re here for.
- “They don’t make them like that anymore”—Salman, about his own dad. I can see the Father’s Day WhatsApp forwards now...
- “I had decided I was going to do [Karan Johar’s first film, Kuch Kuch Hota Hai], no matter how bad it was.” A beautiful declaration of nepotistic support. It brings a tear to my eye.
- Quick detour (in the way that going from Bandra to Milan on the way to Juhu is a quick detour) for Salman to talk about how he has always shared his bedroom with a “presence”.
- Has Salman been to a therapist? I have a feeling he would love it.
- Salman stopped Karan before he even got to his part in the Kuch Kuch Hota Hai script and agreed to do it. Then he praised his second act to a group of writers, never having heard it. The key quality shared by star-making stories that get told forever is that they require the foresight to do something that makes so little sense that the present-day listener of the story should question your lucidity. That’s cinema!
- Thank god, a favourite KWK topic gets a mention. Airport looks!
- I can’t believe the show is ending. The man who wrote a movie called Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna should not be ending his show.
- “[Our generation of actors—Shah Rukh Khan, Aamir Khan, Akshay Khanna, Ajay Devgn] make the films that every Hindustani would feel comfortable seeing with their families.” Last year Ajay Devgn did a film where his girlfriend’s father is played by R Madhavan, who is younger than him.
- Finally, the big question: “Are you still a virgin?”
Curveball: Salman declares that he will have many children. Why does this have the cadence of a threat...
Image courtesy: JioHotstar - Salman is hitting the slow-motion wealthy-person laugh like only someone who has done over 120 films during the golden era of multiplex cinema can.
- Cameos from Varun Dhawan, Bobby Deol, and Sanjay Dutt. Like Salman, Sanju also really wants a “chhota Salman”. Varun Dhawan, on the other hand, seems to be gunning for the role of chhota Salman.
- Salman is doing a really beautiful thing in this episode where, for each question, he is unearthing a confession from deep within himself. Usually in a way that doesn’t answer the question at all.
- Which is fitting because Karan seems to have graduated to a Simi Garewal vibe this season. Future guests be warned: If you don’t gossip you will have to look within.
- “Always” in the Salman Khan accent is a vocal stim for all seasons.
- Damn, at the end of the day he’s just a bachelor, sitting in front of another bachelor, telling him that they are worthy of love.
- Salman is on his fifth monologue; this one is about how it was inexcusable to become out of shape while injured because of his duty to “the people who have been die-hard fans of the shirtless me”.
- Karan has taken off his glasses, presumably to digest what(ever it is) Salman is saying.
- I think he’s just enjoying the sound of his own voice. But in the ’90s Salman accent, I can understand why.
- Karan notes a “shirtless revolution” that began with the poster of Salman’s first film, with a montage of shirtlessness as the throughline of Salman’s career. It’s not right that this show has to end.
- KJo identifies as a fan of Salman’s “aura”. “God’s been great,” Salman responds.
- Salman is low-key giving an exit interview for his life. There’s an urgency to his incoherent confessions.
- Salman Khan doesn’t want the rapid-fire hamper. He wants Pampers. He’s not playing about having kids.
Surprise appearance! It’s Bhai’s favourite. Enter: Lolo.
Image courtesy: JioHotstar - “Naughty boy always!” Karisma Kapoor could not be having more fun.
- Describing their first meeting, somehow still fangirling over him all these years later, Karisma presents the most dated set of words she could say: “He gave me a chocolate bar!”
- Thank God there’s no jury this season. Rapid fire is meant to be slightly biased without intervention.
- Salman Khan is on minute three of describing Akshay Kumar in one word.
- “Very diplo answers” from Salman. With 12 children on the way, he has everything to lose.
- Salman’s regrets? None. Except, he wishes he had all the experience of the present in the past. But also, he doesn’t believe in that. So, do with that what you will.
- The most KWK part of the entire episode is the rapid-fire question: choose the film title that sums up your current love life.
- This isn’t a rapid fire for Salman. He’s in a confession booth and on a stage all at once. At one point he stands up while delivering an answer.
- If Salman came with a disclaimer: “There’s no claiming here.” This is a retirement home. (Last season, Saif answered that he would come with the disclaimer “Slippery when wet”.)
- Karan Johar’s favourite episode was Katrina and Anushka. (See here, some of mine: Sonam and Deepika, Alia and Varun, Saif and Preity... Actually, this list doesn’t end.)
- Rapid-fire question for Karan: “What turns KJo on?” Where’s your Jaquar-sponsored ticker now!
- Wait, there's no Koffee Quiz?! What have I been studying for?
