Q.
I’m a new mom and I love it. Yes, it’s exhausting and sometimes I can’t tell the days apart, but I deeply enjoy it and honestly, I’m in awe of this new version of myself. The only problem is I find myself shrinking from this identity in public. I’m always careful not to talk too much about my baby with my childfree friends, or to only emphasise the hard parts of motherhood. I feel reluctant to disclose upfront that I’m a mom when it comes to potential professional opportunities. And when somebody recently suggested I should join mom groups to be around people who share my experience, I felt really offended, even though I had been considering it myself.
I’m tired of this double life and it’s making me feel lonely. Where does that leave me? Am I going to have to invent a whole new social life and way of being for myself? I don’t think I have the energy.
A.
Dear Mum’s-The-Word,
Hiding what you love for fear of losing social currency—you’re describing a guilty pleasure. But it is motherhood you’re talking about here, and not, like, loving Emily in Paris or shopping too much on Instagram. It’s the thing you currently devote all your waking (and sleeping) hours to, and that sounds like it has split you wide open. That’s both absurd and not shocking.
In this identity-obsessed timeline we occupy, having ‘mom’ in your bio sags with implications, doesn’t it? Are you terribly trad, falling happily in line with conventions? Or do you just not like having more time, more money, more individual goals? What’s your work ethic now that you are a mom—will you still be okay to ‘jump on a quick call’ at all hours or will you just spend this beautiful time with your little bundle and forget the promotion? Do you see women who don’t choose this path as childless or childfree, and are you willing to state your position on the record anytime the topic comes up? Will you ever be seen in the wild again, post 7 pm?
I can see why you’d want to cool it with all the awe and self-actualisation stuff and play up the tragicomedy of motherhood (the latter to declaw some of the judgement you’re anticipating?). I can’t promise you that it’s all in your head either—we’re all sizing up, slotting, keeping, or dismissing others all the time. But maybe it’s…a little in your head?
The fact that you take umbrage when someone suggests you find community with other moms is a clue. Perhaps you’ve detected society’s contempt for motherhood—from being put on a pedestal and sidelined before, to being taken down a notch and sidelined now—but also maybe you’ve internalised some of it along the way? The latter, as you might guess, is the one that makes all the difference.
Now, I know the last thing you need as a new mom is to embark on a soul-searching expedition to unearth your internal biases. Maybe we save Doing The Work, as the pop-psych girlies say, for when you’ve managed a straight eight (fine six, okay four) hours of sleep every night for at least a month. For now, my advice is to take the easy way out and give up.
Give up trying to do or be or say anything that requires calculation. You want to send your bestie a trillion pictures of your baby at just slightly different angles? Just do it. You want to post #grateful #blessed #momlife on all your socials? They’re your socials, go nuts. Add ‘100% remote’, ‘flexible hours’ and other wishful filters to your LinkedIn job search, if that’s the mom-life balance you dream of. You’d like to throw in your lot with the mom groups, but also not be the group admin just yet? That’s what the 👍🏽 ❤️ 🙏🏽 emojis are there for. You want to shut it all down and hibernate with your cub? Do that.
There’ll be time enough for putting on your game face. But just for now, let what lights you up light the way. And choose those—friends, opportunities, community—who let you hew close to this new person you’re becoming. By the time you go from ‘new mom’ to just ‘mom’, you’ll have worked out the permutations and combinations of what that looks like for you. The world has a way of rearranging itself around people who love what they love and simply refuse shame–just look at the podcast bros. And you’re just a happy mom.
