No Worries is a monthly column exploring the ever-evolving and ever-confusing world of modern relationships. Whether it’s with a judgy parent, a friend being weird, a toxic ex, or an insufferable colleague, relationships are not easy. DM us on Instagram (we’ll keep it anonymous) or ask for a friend—your guide Cheryl-Ann Couto is here to help.
Q.
My long-term partner and I have always known each other’s phone passwords. It started as a joke about full disclosure at the start of our relationship and we never changed them because there was no reason to. We seemed to be on the same page about this—use when needed, maybe for a grocery or combined Amazon order; messages and mails were out of bounds—or so I thought.
Recently, I walked in on him looking through my WhatsApp and honestly, it was a shock. I couldn’t believe that he was sneaking through my messages! He denied it, but it just left me with a strange feeling. I decided to change my password, and it’s been… tense. He thinks I’m trying to hide something, that it’s so weird that I suddenly don’t want him to know my password. I literally have no time for an affair if that’s the track he’s on. But if I want to shit on his behaviour in the privacy of a friend group, or engage in some harmless banter with a male colleague, I should be able to without him lurking in my DMs, right? Am I the asshole?
A.
Dear Better Half,
Being able to talk shit about your partner in the safety of your friend group is a right that should be enshrined in the Constitution and upheld by the Supreme Court (remember when those two things used to be inextricable? sigh). But even if you were using your WhatsApp exclusively to track your Instagram orders and throw in a periodic “haha” on the work group, you’d still be well within your rights to be mad at your partner for going through them without your permission. So no, you’re not the asshole for getting mad and revoking his access to your phone. However, you might be an asshole—the additional asshole in this situation—if you just stop there and don’t probe further.
I gather from the heart-eyed exchange of passwords right from the get-go, and how shocked you are by his recent behaviour, that your partner is not a habitual offender. And that for most of your time together, he has understood and abided by the rules of your tacit agreement. If this is the case, I’m afraid the honest thing to do is contend with what has brought about this sudden departure from form. Because he’s all different now—sneaking and snooping, and possibly suspecting you’re cheating on him. Is this incident maybe not the source but a symptom of something that’s been brewing between you already?
Data from the Institute of A Real Feeling I Have reveals that suspecting your partner of infidelity directly correlates to sensing their attention and affection for you are not what they used to be. Sometimes it’s less hurtful to believe a grand deception is afoot than to accept you are losing someone. And isn’t there some truth to his suspicion, too? You’re not cheating on him—is anyone still cheating? in this economy??—but flirting with your male colleague, however innocuously, might signal you’re not enamoured with your partner the way you once were. Maybe the strange feeling you’ve been having beyond the immediate anger at his infraction, is the quieter, more unsettling realisation that something that used to be easy, safe and intimate between you, is now not so. Maybe he’s having the same realisation, too, and has picked the worst way to express it.
I am saddened to say, it is up to you to decide how to go forth from here because he’s acting the fool. You’ve already done the correct first thing by changing your password—your partner must understand in no uncertain terms that, angry or not, infringing on your privacy is a no-go. As a solid second, have you tried screaming at him? I think we’re setting too much store by emotional composure these days, but nothing is as healing, expressive—or, in fact, as intimate—as a good old shouting match. Let him know how disappointed you feel, how violated, and just…how could he! And then, in even sadder news, you’ll need to listen to his side too. Do the whole thing again. And again. Until you feel like the emotional charge of the situation has cooled a bit, and you’re on more temperate ground. In the meantime, maybe keep the Zomato orders separate, as you digest what it all means.
Only two outcomes are possible when a relationship reaches a turning point like yours has. Either it goes on to become stronger from there, or the point becomes one of a series of points on a path to its demise. I don’t think you can control which way it goes eventually, but you can make sure you’ve honoured the love and connection you had by speaking (and shouting) honestly, listening generously, and giving each other grace and forgiveness. Then you let the chips fall where they may.
