Let’s go back in time: it’s August 26, 2025. A quiet, regular morning. Suddenly, your phone rings. Your girlfriend is on the line, screaming and sobbing. Your mind plays out the worst possible scenarios.
“Taylor Swift’s engaged!” she bellows into the phone, practically bursting your eardrum. “This is the best day of my entire life. I think I’m going to throw up.” As the boyfriend of a Swiftie, you’ve been training for this moment. You know that what you say right now has the potential to make or break everything. And yet, somehow, you can’t stop yourself from going, “Okay...chill.” Call it casual misogyny (even though you probably don’t know what that means), or maybe just the fact that you secretly love pushing her buttons because her dramatic reactions = more attention for you (classic). One thing’s for certain, though: you’re now a dead man, and you know it. Congratulations.
You try to do some quick damage control by throwing words around. “About time!” you screech. There’s deathly silence. “I mean, that’s amazing! I wonder if you’re going to be this excited for your own engagement, haha.” Crickets chirp, for what feels like a lifetime. Finally, a deep breath, a “woowwww”, and the call disconnects. You’re on your own, kid.
You try calling her back, she doesn’t pick up. You need to find a way to redeem yourself, stat. Luckily, she’s probably not going to get over the engagement for the rest of the year, so at least you have time.
Here are some ways you can prove that you’re still her Travis Kelce; you just fumbled really, really badly:
01. Start with a sincere apology—no half-assing it. Something like: “I’m truly sorry for how I reacted to the engagement news. I know how much Taylor means to you, and I’m genuinely so happy for her, and for you.”
02. Take her on an approximately 20-hour-long drive where you listen to Taylor Swift’s entire discography, including the re-recordings. Singing along is not optional. (And let’s be honest, your gym playlist is less DMX and more ‘Cruel Summer’; you even know the background vocals.)
03. Like and react to every single engagement-related post she shares on her story. Tap the heart a hundred times just to be sure.
04. Lose your mind over every engagement theory she throws at you. If she says “Can you believe the announcement came 13 days after the New Heights episode?” or “‘The Prophecy’ is track 26 on TTPD and they got engaged on the 26th!” or even starts whisper-screaming about how Travis is Tay’s 13th boyfriend and the time on her watch during the proposal was 4:54 (4 + 5 + 4 = 13, obviously), you will react like she’s just revealed the secrets to the universe.
05. Take some time to reflect on how she’s been there for you every time your football team’s come last in the Premier League. Also remember how happy she is on the rare occasions that team wins anything at all. Taylor’s engagement is her Premier League.
06. Understand that TS is literally your girlfriend’s best friend. She’s been there for your girlfriend through her entire life, and helped her heal, and now she’s getting married! There’s no way you come out of this a winner.
07. Respect the emotional timeline. This engagement is not a 24-hour event. She will bring it up again next week. Next month. Five years from now. Resist the urge to say “You’re still thinking about this?”.
08. Prepare for mood whiplash—and meet her exactly where she’s at, every single time. She will cry, laugh, scream, spiral, and say things like: “Is it weird that I’m sad? Like, I’m so happy for her, but I can’t believe I’ll have no new sad songs to cry to.”
If this situation pops up (and it will), your response will not be: “Well... maybe she’ll get divorced?”
Your response will be: “Nope. Not weird at all. I feel the same way.” Then hold her hand. Maybe queue up ‘All Too Well’ (10 Minute Version) for emotional support.
09. And last, but certainly not the least, propose to her. This is optional, but trust me, nothing will make her happier than BEING ENGAGED AT THE SAME TIME AS TAYLOR SWIFT, aka, the love of her life. (Did you think it was you?)
