As someone who slurps up the newest ‘Kardashians’ season the second it comes out, I was very excited to see Kimmy’s new show, All’s Fair, now streaming on JioHotstar. I pretty much grew up on a Ryan Murphy diet— from Glee to Scream Queens—so watching this was basically a no-brainer. Hell yeah, my new favourite show, I thought when the trailer came out. Hot women endlessly clacking down long office corridors in outfits that could give all those Selling Sunset bitches a run for their money? What’s not to love? Also, it was literally coming out on my birthday! HBD to me, baby.
Now, I’m someone who’s easily swayed. Rotten Tomatoes had given the show a 0 per cent rating and The Guardian called it “fascinatingly, existentially terrible” in its zero-star review, adding that “not even Glenn Close can save this Ryan Murphy disaster from its dismal plot, clueless characters—and the worst kissing scenes ever filmed”. “All’s Fair is so bad, it might be high art,” Time magazine proclaimed, while CNN wondered if it is “bad enough to be a camp classic”.
Amidst this outpouring of hate, I had to look at myself in the mirror and say, no—we will not judge until we watch. (You might call it masochism, but what can I say; I’m magnanimous that way.) So, there I was at 11 pm, after the birthday texts had dried up—fully ready to sink into the show I was convinced would show the haters. I’d watch one episode. How bad could it get?
Forty-five minutes later, I was staring at the fan while the end credits rolled. What just happened? Here are some thoughts to help me process:
- Kim K’s acting was giving ‘popular girl needs to get her grades up, so gives the most deadpan presentation to ever exist’. Don’t get me wrong—I thought she was pretty decent in American Horror Story, but pray tell, if your husband just told you he’s dumping your ass, would you be throwing up or just be like “Yo, what’s going on?” or “I feel like you’re not telling me the whole story” with nary a tear in your eye?
- Speaking of Kim’s onscreen hubby, what exactly was the man’s IQ that he woke up and thought, hey, you know what would be a great idea? Divorcing my wife who is, yes, you guessed it, a freaking divorce lawyer! I’m not going to get screwed at all! Also, what was up with his greasy man pony? My Kimmy deserves so much better.
- Episode one felt like a ‘Who Can Come Up With The Most Awkward One-Liner’ competition. Not even Glenn Close was spared! And my condolences to Niecy Nash, whose natural sense of humour was completely trampled by lines that honestly sounded like they were written by ChatGPT. PFB some honourable mentions:
“Ten years, three women, one verdict. Un-fucking-stoppable.”
“Let’s put the fucking team in teamwork and get this bastard.”
“Love and war. You chose war. And we won it.” (Eeeek!)
“We built a frickin’ empire.” - Omg, did Kim K’s shitty onscreen husband actually give her Elizabeth Taylor’s ring? The Swifties must be crying their eyes violet.
- We need to talk about Naomi Watts’s impromptu trip from LA to New York because what do you mean divorce lawyers just hop on planes to help their clients pack millions of dollars’ worth of jewellery into tiny Goyard bags––and then casually strut out onto the street holding said bags without a care in the world? Also, in what universe can you just call someone's bodyguard “bubbie”, threaten to call the cops if he doesn’t let you barge into your client’s house...and just have him be like, okay, you got me.
- Naomi Watts still hasn’t fully left her role as Princess Diana (where she was phenomenal, btw) behind. Blame it on Watts’s general Britishness or all her smirks––45 in the 45-minute episode––accompanied by those 5-degree head tilts, but it was Di staring right back.
- Hold up! Is that James Remar aka Richard Wright from Sex and the City?? Samantha’s Richard?? Damn, people really need to know when to stop acting. Let’s be honest, Remar’s career peaked when Samantha (Kim Cattrall) caught him red-handed doing you know what with his tongue. Not too sure how he was planning to top that, but he tried.
- TBH, I enjoyed Sarah Paulson’s character—the only one who was even slightly relatable. Let it be known that henceforth I will be beginning all my emails with “Dear backstabbing bitches”.
- Was Kim K’s slicked-back hair low-key giving Michael Jackson? Was almost waiting for her to ‘Heehee’. Lol.
