No Worries is a monthly column exploring the ever-evolving and ever-confusing world of modern relationships. Whether it’s with a judgy parent, a friend being weird, a toxic ex, or an insufferable colleague, relationships are not easy. DM us on Instagram (we’ll keep it anonymous) or ask for a friend—your guide Cheryl-Ann Couto is here to help.
Q.
I am obsessed with celebrities—I love gossip, but honestly, I’ll take any celeb updates. For years, I would religiously follow the blind pieces in the entertainment pages of newspapers. Now, I trawl subreddits for news on their personal lives, details on their new sea-facing home, petty fights, tidbits slipping out from film sets. I spend hours at night swiping reel after reel, to the point where I can’t open my Explore feed in public unless I want to be embarrassed. I have followed all the Kardashians getting in and out of boats at Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sánchez’s Venice extravaganza, seen all the instances of Scarlett Johansson, Jonathan Bailey and his ‘slutty little glasses’ being pally at the Jurassic World: Rebirth red carpet. I have friends who like the occasional juicy controversy, but I don’t know anyone who is as invested in celebrity lives as I am. Isn’t it a little weird for an adult to care so much about this?
A.
Dear Parasocially Anxious,
Honestly? No, it’s not weird at all. Being obsessed with the lives of celebrities is the most natural thing, actually. We are social beings—it is in our nature to be curious and envious about others, to seek connection, competition and, wherever possible, entertaining downfall. And when the others in question are a teeny-tiny subset of the population flushed with untold wealth, prestige, adulation, opportunity, and access—beamed out larger-than-life, poreless and perfectly coiffed to the remaining 99.9 per cent—the result is predictable. Celebrities are everybody’s The Joneses.
Then social media arrived and tightened the chokehold by putting them on tap. Suddenly this hallowed set feels deceptively within grasp too. You can see them getting out of their Beamers, stumbling on the same dug-up pavements that you do. Leaving telling little comments under one another’s photos like you do. They’re inviting you behind the scenes, letting you GRWthem, giving you a peek inside their living rooms designed by Gauri Khan. Celebrities, they’re just like us!
Before, it was your credit card you handed over in exchange for a feeling of proximity to this ideal of a fabulous, frictionless life. But in this technocratic timeline? It is your attention. Now you’re discussing them, first-name basis, with your friends and Redditors. Dissecting their lives, clothes, and lovers ad nauseum when you could be having sex, clearing out your cupboard or getting creatively bored. Funnelling your angst about unaffordable housing, rising fascism, choking air and your mid-career stasis into the Hailey-Selena beef. Googling Virat and Anushka’s combined net worth because you just can’t sleep.
This is celebrity culture working exactly as designed: as escape, as envy, as identification, and distraction. So maybe the question isn’t why you’re obsessed with celebrities. You’re a living, breathing human being swinging from an algorithm, that’s why. But how much do you need those things that being obsessed with them offers you in return? What you’re escaping to isn’t as important as what you’re escaping from. My advice is to stop feeling ashamed and start getting curious.
When do you tend to go diving in the celebrity subreddits or spiralling with the reels? What feelings tend to precede those usually? Boredom? Stress? Procrastination? How long before you go from genuine interest (fun, positive) about a piece of celeb gossip to involuntarily scrolling through the 43 comments on it (dull, depleting). When you’re around your favourite people, or you’re having fun or you’re feeling well-rested, does your preoccupation with celebrity lives wane in any way? What are your second, third and fourth obsessions after celebrities? Are any of them offline? Have you made time for them recently?
Keep track for a short while, have a little diary if you need to. What you discover may be sobering. Or spurring. Or just lead to more questions. But hey, look! You’re taking back your attention and also possibly uncovering new, more meaningful places to put it. You’re calling the shots. Now that’s star behaviour.
