No Worries is a monthly column exploring the ever-evolving and ever-confusing world of modern relationships. Whether it’s with a judgy parent, a friend being weird, a toxic ex, or an insufferable colleague, relationships are not easy. DM us on Instagram (we’ll keep it anonymous) or ask for a friend—your guide Cheryl-Ann Couto is here to help.
Q
I have a group of friends from my old job in the creative industry. They’re on top of the news and very vocal about supporting global causes, and since I moved out of that space I haven’t been able to keep up with those kinds of things. When I’m hanging with them, I feel like I will be judged if I talk about buying from the wrong kind of brand or admit to listening to music by a problematic musician. I consider myself liberal, but I just don’t have the bandwidth to find out which brands are contributing to what global crisis, and sometimes I want to read a book I loved before the writer came out as transphobic. This puts me in a weird mental space when I hang out with them, because I never know what I’ll say that will out me as a horrible person.
A
Dear Guilty Conscience,
I’m going to be honest: your fear of inviting the ridicule of your former-industry friends is giving some “been there, done that, shamed someone for being a horrible person” energy. If that’s the case, don’t worry. Changing sides is actually a sign of growth if it moves you in the direction of becoming a person you truly like.
Has this change started since you moved on from your old job? You certainly seem to have found release from the average creative’s occupational and spiritual need to stay on top of the discourse and sanctimoniously announce their positions in it. What sweet relief that must be. And normally, a feeling of expansiveness would follow the exhalation too. But something tells me that’s not exactly how it’s unfolded for you. If anything, you’re exhibiting guilt and defensiveness—the kind that accompanies a move up the food chain. Have you gone from creative to corporate, perchance?
At any rate, it’s safer to place your unease externally, with the group. It’s not entirely unfounded either—they’ll probably, definitely, call you out if you gush about your latest fast-fashion haul or show excitement for the upcoming Harry Potter TV series. It will be terribly awkward, but not something you can’t weather once every six months when you catch up with the old gang. If it does get unbearable, you can always try the old “we should do this again soon!” and then leave them on read for the rest of time. The harder chat to exit is the one with yourself.
Crowd your bandwidth as much as you like now, you can’t unknow the fact that it’s just a bit cooler and more meaningful to care for what’s happening in the world you live in. To understand and take seriously your place in the family of things. Ignoring it and playing loosey goosey with your principles in favour of ease and pleasure is causing you some mental chafing.
But what if I told you, you’re doing it right, but just looking at it wrong? Allowing yourself tiny hypocrisies is actually the way to build strong, durable moral fibre. But instead of stopping there and becoming defensive, you have to keep it moving WIP style. Keep some of your guilty pleasures a little while longer, and let the ones that are easier to let go go first. There’s no need to trash your favourite books because the author is transphobic, but maybe find ways to be an active ally to the people they’re harming? Your favourite evil brand does an unbeatable jean, but maybe you don’t also need to throw in a T-shirt and scrunchie at checkout? Reduce the dollars you send their way until you can stop them altogether.
Principles are moral habits—and building habits that last takes time, practice and knowing when to bend so you won’t break. In time, you’ll find the light, springy feeling of your outie and innie being in close alignment much more irresistible than whatever momentary gratification you need now. And a quietly principled person who wears their foibles lightly is a rare, disarming species. Your culture-vulture friends are going to be mad for it.
