No Worries is a monthly column exploring the ever-evolving and ever-confusing world of modern relationships. Whether it’s with a judgy parent, a friend being weird, a toxic ex, or an insufferable colleague, relationships are not easy. DM us on Instagram (we'll keep it anonymous) or ask for a friend—your guide Cheryl-Ann Couto is here to help.
Q.
I’m friends with a very loud and proud party boy, who identifies as gay. I don’t know if it’s by accident or intent, but on multiple occasions he’s made me feel uncomfortable—touching my bum or kissing me on my mouth when we meet. I’ve addressed my discomfort on multiple occasions, but he just brushes it off and tells me “don’t be homophobic”, which I’m definitely not. Recently I learnt a lot of my straight male friends feel the same about him but have been too embarrassed to bring it up with him. What should I do about it?
A.
Dear Pressured Peer,
First, let’s say what is happening more simply so you can sit with it: you’re being sexually harassed and bullied by your gay friend.
What should you do about it? What you would do if anybody was breaching your personal space and dismissing your requests for them to stop. Would you tell them off publicly the next time it happens? Or do something physical, like issuing a warning shove? Maybe you would simply remove yourself from all potential proximity to this person? No hangouts, no being at the same parties, take away his access to you. I don’t know what you as a person would do about it, but you know what you would do to stop being harmed once and for all.
So I suppose the real question is, why haven’t you done it yet? Your previous attempts to address the situation tell me that you have a healthy sense of self-knowledge and preservation. Is it just the gay thing? Because your friend wielding his identity in bad faith seems to be working; he’s got you spooked. But considering you’re “definitely not” homophobic, do you actually have anything to fear? These, by the way, are all rhetorical questions.
I think we both know that implicit in your loud-and-proud friend’s accusation of homophobia is a threat—that he will think it and naturally therefore everyone will know it. Your other straight male friends have already indicated they won’t be offering strength in numbers (have you thought about getting new friends?). As a living breathing citizen of the Perception Economy, where nobody has the attention span for nuance and everyone is jonesing for a hit of Someone Fucking Up so we can misplace all our frustrations with them, taking decisive action could bode very badly for you.
Gossip is gaseous and who knows which way the wind blows it—into the ears and nostrils of which potential employer, Insta crush, or social group you wish for membership to. Add to the misery, you’re a Straight Male—apex group on the sexual-identity pyramid and always using it to make things hard for everyone lower down; the nervously woke will not be inclined to see (or be seen to see) your side; the proudly patriarchal will see your side, and shame you for your weakness. Those left on the fence will just want to avoid the mess. Everywhere you look, the potential for humiliation.
Too much? I guess it is. But I find articulating our worst fears tends to rob them of their seriousness and severity. Pressured Peer, you’re going to be just fine. You’re not a celebrity, and even they don’t hold anyone’s attention anymore.
Instead, look at it this way: your rather-rare instinct as a straight man to reject the stereotype and categorically register your discomfort, and therefore your vulnerability, is an important one. A tiny but hardy little axe in the battle against bullies like your friend cynically wielding our fear of being shamed against us. To build further resistance, you must next teach yourself to become okay with being misunderstood. Trust in the right folks’ ability to prod the situation, their knowledge of who you are, and their will to stick their neck out for what is true. The ones who won’t? Well, no amount of betraying yourself will change that.
And when your friend inevitably goes on to be very successful—I predict future global spokesperson for gay rights—lean into your real friend circle, some of whom will have made themselves known through this experience. Exchange knowing texts, unleash your resentments, bask in the warm glow of their empathy and earnest offers to expose him. Standing up for yourself isn’t all horrible.
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