A polyamorous marriage is about as oxymoronic an idea as a working vacation. But they’re both only increasing in popularity and practice. Marriage, the legally recognised union of two people as partners in a typically monogamous relationship, would seem counterintuitive to the structure of polyamory, the practice of having sexual or romantic relationships with two or more people at the same time. While the latter is still considered a niche, progressive lifestyle, the former is an institution as old as time—the most official and societally sanctified announcement of personal togetherness to ever exist. And yet, the intersection is real.
Married in her twenties, Damini*, now a 34-year-old copywriter, discovered she wanted to be polyamorous three years in, and only found the strength to discuss it with her partner a year later. “I was very nervous, because I thought it might mean the end for us. I’d always thought of my partner as fairly monogamous, and I didn’t know how he would take it.” Her partner took time to process, but, after several in-depth conversations, surprised her by agreeing to open up their relationship. “We began gently—no emotional attachments, just sex, and agreed to revisit it in a year or two.”
Even in conservative India, plenty of couples are open and agreeing to share their love with their significant others. “I’ve been poly for about four years now,” says Priyanka*, 29, an AI engineer in New Delhi. “I currently have two partners, both older men,” she says, adding that her primary partner isn’t currently seeing anyone apart from her, and her secondary partner has two other partners. “I found polyamory the right fit for me after many years of being uncomfortable in monogamous situations. I find both my partners give me very different things and fulfil different needs.” When she mentions that marriage is on the cards, I ask her if getting married would alter her existing and future poly relationships. She simply says, “I don’t see why it should,” adding that "(marriage), especially in India, gives a relationship certain benefits—one I want with my primary partner someday.”
In India, relationships are largely socially acceptable if they prescribe to heteronormative structures and are sanctified by marriage. The taboo surrounding polyamory in general, and ethically non-monogamous marriages specifically, remains strong. Most people refuse to talk about their polyamorous status at work, or with family, friends, or even online. In fact, many, like Damini*, take years to admit it to themselves, leave alone share it with their partners. It’s the reason why most people I reached out to for this piece chose to remain anonymous. Polyamory is also currently at too nascent a stage in India to garner significant research and data around how many married people ascribe to both ideals. However, a 2022 study by dating app Bumble suggests that 61 per cent of single Indians surveyed were open to exploring ethical non-monogamy, with a growing interest in alternative structures.
Not swingers, not philanderers, not cheaters, polyamorist people come with many different views and sexual preferences but they all agree on one thing: consensual non-monogamy. Counselling psychologist Amanpreet Nagpal notes an increase in poly clients, both single and married, over the last five years, who “associate this lifestyle with being modern, progressive, and unconventional". She also adds that most of them reach out for the emotional complications that polyamory can cause. “The blurred boundaries between who the ‘real’ couple is contributes to a lot to emotional challenges. Most couples focus only on the freedom of that choice, but it depends on having the ability to deal with the complexity of emotions that this choice brings.”
Anu P, branding consultant and co-moderator of a polyamory social media community, argues that polyamory is less like a structure and more like a set of guidelines. “If the intention is to get married to all partners, marriage definitely doesn’t tally with the concept—that becomes polygamy. But marriage could offer multiple statutory benefits for many—both financial and otherwise. There are also medical concerns, like informed consent and organ donation. We have to customise the structure based on our personal situations.”
Like any relationship, the world of polyamory is complicated. “For any structure to be operational, defined boundaries are important; but the root of polyamory lies in the sense of exploration and freedom. This can cause confusion and conflict,” says Nagpal, who has noticed a dearth of emotional grounding for open marriages and relationships.
For most, the boundaries seem to evolve over time. Damini* and her husband (and also her primary partner), revisited their arrangement like they had discussed. “After about two years of just being sexually (but not emotionally) open, my husband confessed he had begun to have feelings for someone he’d slept with. We talked it over and laid some ground rules, giving each other the space to explore emotional connections while prioritising each other.” She can’t say for certain how well it’s worked, given it’s at a nascent stage. “It’s early days, but I feel good about it.”
As relationships and ideas of ethical non-monogamy and polyamory evolve, answers that have begun to arise are equally nuanced. For some, polyamory comes into the picture after marriage, and years of monogamy. For others, poly comes first, but the desire to reap the socio-economic and cultural benefits of marriage doesn’t disappear. All it proves is that people—much like the intersection of the two dichotomous structures—are more complex than you might imagine.
