40 thoughts I had while binge-watching ‘The Ba***ds of Bollywood’

In the spirit of radical transparency, let me start by saying there’s nothing I love more than gossip. And if the drama happens to include wealthy celebrities, I know the universe is smiling at me. You can roll your eyes all you want but I also know that you pored over that 24-pointer Reddit thread on insider tea from the biggest wedding of last year and sent screenshots on the group chat, so why shy away from who we are? 

Now that we’re being honest, have you marathoned The Ba***ds of Bollywood yet? When I first watched the trailer of the Netflix series co-written and directed by the king of nepo babies, Aryan Khan, I was salivating for more. The seven-episode show includes actors like Bobby Deol and Karan Johar and cameos from Aamir and Salman Khan, Ranveer Singh, Ranbir Kapoor, Emraan Hashmi, Rajkummar Rao, SS Rajamouli and, ofc, daddy dearest Shah Rukh Khan—all of whom make up a long list of ‘special thanks’ at the end of every episode. From the get-go, it’s clear that the debutant director is unafraid to flex his access; who else can pull such gargantuan names in their first creation? 

But that’s also what makes the show exciting. How will the boy with the silver spoon, the son of the Baadshah of Bollywood, the one who grew up with Karan Johar as his uncle, parody his own world? Especially as the masala hero of the series is a nobody at the cusp of stardom, thrown into a battle of dynasties and surnames. Let’s unpack together. Here’s every thought I had while binge-watching The Ba***ds of Bollywood:

1. Okay, woah, that is a lot of flying, falling and fucks to put in the first 30 seconds of a show.
2. Evil rodeo background tune, suspenders, plaid suit... All we’re missing is dollar signs in the eyes. Hello, wealthy, filthy Freddy. We know to be wary of you.
3. Wait, the fake film has a cheeky D’yavol promotion! Is it to mock the eyesore product placements that movies are now forced to include ’cause…no money? Okay, Aryan Khan, I wasn’t familiar with your game.
4. I lowkey stan that the theme song is illustrated like a comic book. Bobby Deol’s Ajay Talvar is giving Johnny Bravo.
5. NO, Aasmaan, listen to your manager! This three-film deal will mess you up.
6. I cannot call someone Aasmaan with a straight face. What a wild choice. Obviously helps set up the many, many obvious, cringe analogies about stars and skies—so typical, so cheesy, but so good.
7. !!Oh my god is that a reference to the drug arrest!!!??? OMG I’m really scared for him!
8. Desperately need people to stop saying “the n-word” in relation to nepotism.
9. “I run the world.” Of course Karan Johar is eating up the drama. But does his office actually look like this? That is a lot of overstimulating colour. And a pool on the rooftop. Wow. But Freddy’s Hollywood-inspired ‘Sodawalawood’ signage takes the cake for obnoxious entitlement.
10. The sick dad + emotional mother + supportive chachu trope… I see you, Bollywood.
11. What in the world is happening with this Freddy fat-shaming scene? Why are they playing elephant trumpets in the background?!
12. Sooo, the hero says he’s not going to slap the sleazy producer/director because he’s like a woman? The real insult here is being the woman? Umm, okay.
13. Raghav Juyal serenading Emraan Hashmi in peak Main Hoon Na style is probably the funniest scene so far. PLEASE, he is an intimacy coordinator? That is so on the nose. Love!
14. Scene change: it is Chachu with Jaraj dressed in a yellow tracksuit at a basketball court. Now we’re in Koi... Mil Gaya. The references are making me a liiittle dizzy.
15. “US, London... Sent you all over the world to study aur tum grinding kar rahi ho with some Lajpat Nagar ka loser?” Dead. The mum is such a whiny parody 💀
16. Ooff the mafia is here. Arshad Warsi as Ghafoor is the Circuit extension we could only dream of. (The music though…)
17. Too much is happening. This Baadshah x Chachu subplot is so unnecessary. Skipping, so +10 +10 +10.
18. Jaraj, I thought you were a good guy. Why are you selling Aasmaan out?! Wait, maybe he still is a good guy? Why should his role be a foil to the hero? Why can’t he be the main character? Yes, changed my mind. Girl, you go get that revenge.
19. We have arrived at the second act, aka the sad montage. Aasmaan and Parvaiz are coming to blows, the couple’s stars misalign (literally how did they fall in love over one intimacy workshop), the father is ill…no, wait he’s better! Crap, he’s dead.
20. The GUTS to parody a funeral scene with a reference to Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham. I am so impressed.
21. Yes, I positively believe that fake Bollywood’s biggest star wears Monte Carlo. Don’t forget Senco Jewellery. The spon-con is getting out of hand, guys.
22. And we’re at the Filmfare spoof! Jaraj is wearing a 51% jacket. Mad drip. Rooting for you, my man.
23. I’m a little annoyed that they pulled all the Khans, Ranveer and Ranbir but there are literally no leading women? We just have the Bollywood wives and their kids as cameos???
24. Gully boy Siddhant Chaturvedi is now City Boy. But Aasmaan winning Best Actor for a VFX action film called Revolver is actually hilarious. Even in Aryan Khan’s fictional world the flying man who pulls out an eyeball wins.
25. Awww Om Shanti Om reference with SRK: cute!
26. Annnd the hero is punching his girlfriend’s superstar dad on stage. This hyperbole is making me crave drama in real Bollywood too, where everything is so sanitised and PR-trained. Fight, fight, fight!
27. Can’t decide how I feel about the mockumentary caricatures of the audience: the fans are mobs, the journalists are creeps, everyone is gullible and reactive.
28. Oh my god, Karishma’s mother is so tokenistic. All she does is whine and wine and wear diamonds. A little embarrassing.
29. Wow, this Fast & Furious chase is an exaggerated reaction; imagine hating your privileged daughter’s struggling-class boyfriend so much.
30. Still wondering when Aasmaan and Karishma fell deeply in love. You barely know each other! Why are you eloping?!!
31. What in the Princess Diana and Dodi al-Fayed is this pap chase?
32. I’m losing track of this show. Bikes are flying through walls. People are ready to kill each other over what exactly? Why is this couple such a problem?!
33. Aah, that’s why. Now the title makes sense. Why couldn’t they just add the right number of asterisks?!
34. I don’t know how I feel about this twist, but I cannot stop giggling over Mona Singh being Photoshopped into this music video from—just looked it up—1997!
35. A sudden scene change to say the manager—the only female character with half a personality and the series’ token queer addition—is leaving the opportunity to represent Ranbir Kapoor just to make the hero sign a deal with the mafia. Loyalty!
36. I’m not even surprised anymore but I have to stop to say Aryan Khan needed to write better women in this show. And if this lack of depth is another satire of Bollywood, wellll.
37. We have one mother who is clueless and self-involved, another mother who lets her fling sabotage her son’s career, and a daughter who is a pawn in daddy’s games. And pay attention, I’m not using any of their names because that’s just what they are reduced to in this show—relationship devices to move the story along as the men pull the strings.
38. I was trying so hard not to mention the obnoxious incel brother but the class tropes are too ripe not to: to tie things up in a neat bow, he ends up hooking up with the staff. Yes, after accusing her of stealing his underwear and being an absolute dick. Praying to every divine being that there is no real-world parallel of Shaumik Talvar.
39. Anyway, returning to the grand finale: Mona Singh’s Neeta and Bobby Deol’s Ajay are exchanging notes on how their kids responded to the big news. And it’s interesting that the nobody son is fuming but the nepo daughter “will be okay”. There’s the obvious patriarchal bias, right? It’s easier to forgive the cheating father than the cheating mother…
40. And that’s a wrap! Yet another show that is “so bad it’s good”. I can’t help but wonder: is everything today a hate watch? What even is the difference anymore?