Dinner dates at 1 am (if you’re lucky). Messages left unread, and calls unanswered till well after midnight. Evenings, weekends, Valentine’s Day, Diwali, Christmas, scheduled holidays of most kinds are cancelled (it’s their busiest time!). Bottomline: Dating a chef is brutal.
Okay, maybe that’s a bit harsh, but chefs themselves will tell you: a romantic partnership with anyone who works in a kitchen requires some serious expectation (and time) management. Every single chef we spoke with said it takes a special kind of person to understand the demands of their job. Every career demands a bit of work-life juggling for success. But some professions—doctors, nurses, soldiers, firefighters—have it tougher. Chefs are, in a way, shift workers, so their circadian rhythms are misaligned with those of the rest of us regular folk with regular jobs. They are on call more often than not even if they’re not saving lives, unless you count the odd Heimlich.
There are some positives, of course. As industry insiders, chefs can always snag that table at the booked-out hotspot, they know the best places for after-hours drinks and meals, and are clued into the off-the-menu specials. And they do still meet people (mostly from the hospitality industry, because who else would understand their schedule better), fall in love, and deal with the ups and downs of juggling knives and lives. Some of Mumbai’s top chefs tell us what works and doesn’t:
Chefs Ebaani Tewari and Mathew Varghese founded Kari Apla
Relationship status: Married to each other
Mathew Varghese: In 2017, I was at Orient Express in Delhi, and Ebaani was in Mumbai at Bastian. Neither of us wanted to do long distance, but there was no option.
Ebaani Tewari: We were in the same time zone but with different timings. He was on the night shift. I’d come home, he’d leave for work. I’d wake up, he’d be going to sleep. It was intense. In 2018, Mathew flew down to Mumbai for two days; it was the only time we got leave. Then, I moved to Taj, Mathew moved to Comorin. I met him next in 2019 in Delhi. Even my parents met him before that, at Comorin.
MV: I told the manager I needed a table. It was a very busy night, so it was immensely difficult. He asked me, “Whom do you want it for?” I said, “My girlfriend’s parents.” I don’t know how he got the table, but it was in the centre of the room, and the spotlight for the night. Everyone knew it was my make-or-break night.
ET: After starting Kari Apla (2023), every time we think of taking a break, we get busy. This week we decided we would take a couple of days off, step out of the city. As it turns out, we have a packed schedule and catering to do, so we’ll try next month. Since we opened, we have only taken time off individually, and only because one of us was sick. If your spouse is not from the same industry, I doubt they will understand what and why you do what you do.
AliAkbar J Baldiwala is executive chef at Slink & Bardot. Damini Gautam is a musician, and a member of the band Queendom
Relationship status: In a relationship
AliAkbar J Baldiwala: We met during the pandemic, when I was unemployed. I set the groundwork and told her, “Yeh jhoota hai, when you see me in employed mode itna time nahin hoga.” She has moulded her time to allow us to spend time together.
We chefs get lost in the things we do. You are taught that if you want to be successful, you have to give up everything else. But this is changing now. It worked so far, because some great chefs whose opinion was taken to heart never got therapy. I had this mentality for the longest time too, but I’ve grown out of it. At the end of the day, this is still work. This is not your life, it is only a part of your life.
Damini Gautam: I’m a musician in the entertainment industry, so our industries go hand in hand. I empathise, because I know he’s out there slogging when I don’t see him. My schedule is pretty up and down as well, but as a freelancer I have more flexibility. And we live together, so these variables help.
But it is annoying being woken up at the ass crack of dawn by his work calls. No one is dying, nothing is truly that urgent that it can’t wait a few hours. It’s not just Ali, it’s this industry. There is a sense of urgency that’s been injected. How did it get like this? When did our expectation become that you get into a restaurant and in five minutes have food on the table? It is ridiculous, but I do get it. The other thing that irritates me is that I don’t get his cooking at home. I get it, because if someone told me to come home and sing after a long day at work, I would probably tell them to fuck off too.
Chef Hussain Shahzad is executive chef at Hunger Inc, the group behind The Bombay Canteen, O Pedro, Veronica’s and Papa’s
Relationship status: Single
Hussain Shahzad: The ability to go out when normal people go out doesn’t exist for us. You can’t really ask someone to hang out at 1 am. (Why do you think chefs have the best late-night recommendations for eating out?) We also start really early in the morning. As a line cook, it was even harder. Sometimes I’d do dates between shifts—get a 4 pm coffee during break shift, and head back to work.
But we need to make an attempt to change this narrative. We chose this life and there is a certain beauty to it. It needs a certain amount of harmony. At some point I just embraced it. I had to coach with someone for a long time, because I was struggling to find a balance. The advice I would give young chefs is to learn to prioritise. You could have less time [for your partner], but make them feel needed, wanted, and a part of your life. And yes, it’s easier said than done.
Chef Niyati Rao and Sagar Neve are co-founders of restaurant brands Ekaa, KMC Bar & Bistro, and Bombay Daak
Relationship status: Married to each other
Sagar Neve: Today, Niyati and I had planned to call it a night at 10 pm. We were planning to go home and cook, or maybe go out for some Indian food, as we were craving it. Then we found out that VIPs were coming to two of our [three] restaurants. So now, she’s at Ekaa, and I am at Bombay Daak. The night is still young, though, and we might still do it but at 1 am.
I always had a huge crush on Niyati, and I still do. Our goals are aligned. She leads creative, I lead left-brain thinking. I strongly feel that having a partner from the same industry is a huge advantage. I can name six couples in my company alone—three are long-term and very happy. Three others have been together for about six months.
Niyati Rao: Honestly, I had a major crush on him too. He is a great listener, and I talk a lot. We started this company together, and we’re in close proximity a lot. I don’t believe that too much familiarity breeds contempt. You have to make sure work doesn’t hamper your personal life. You have to crack that.
You need a dual personality to be able to switch off and on every time. When we are in a meeting, we will have a proper argument. Our views are different, as are our ways of speaking and thinking. When it comes to a decision, both of us need to agree on it for the betterment of the company. Being brutally honest helps.
Chef Pooja Dhingra is founder and CEO of Le15 Patisserie
Relationship status: Dating
Pooja Dhingra: In the initial years of Le15, my entire energy and focus was on building the company. If I was out at night, especially when we had the cafe, I would look at my watch all the time. I had to wake up early, and go to work early. There was no space in my life. By the time I looked up and around, everything in the dating world was so different. I had also gotten to a level of independence and success.
I remember thinking, I am 35. Will I ever meet someone who meets the pressures of my life? I don’t know if I’ll ever have a family. I’ve got to freeze my eggs. For me now, it’s not so much work-life balance—that part I can manage. The challenge has been finding a guy who is secure with what I do, who supports it, and enables it.
Akshat Agarwal is business head and head chef at Sage and Saffron catering services, and Akshaa Nair is the guest relations executive at Papa’s Bombay
Relationship status: Engaged to each other
Akshaa Nair: We’re planning our wedding right now, but we’re unable to look at venues together, so we take shifts. He’s going with his parents this Sunday, and I’m going with mine next Sunday. We’ve got a tag team going on here.
Akshat Agarwal: Sometimes chef friends, like AliAkbar, will extend kitchen timings for our dates. On a Monday night, our day off, if we go on a date, we often get to have the whole restaurant to ourselves. These little things make it special.
AN: Ali has done it all three times we’ve been to Slink! But it was hard initially, when I was at Masque (part of Urban Gourmet India, the same company as Sage and Saffron) and his designation and mine did not match. It took me time to tell people that I’m dating someone in the company. It’s easier now that we work in different restaurants. We can keep our professional life away from our personal life. When Akshat and I meet, we barely talk about work. We need to just shut off.
On the first of the month, when reservation lines for Papa’s open, he knows he has to be in the car at 11 pm outside Veronica’s (below Papa’s). We’ll go get an ice cream. I just need to see a friendly face for ten minutes and then go home!
