In the words of Aidy Bryant, 2024 was “a great year for film, and a bad year for human life”. And there is no event that captures that particular spirit quite like the Oscars. After years of halted production due to the Hollywood strikes of 2023 and the consequences of the COVID-19 pandemic in the years before it, the film industry showed up in abundance last year.
From Anora to The Brutalist to Conclave to Wicked, the stories that emerged reflect the resilience, critique, humour, and wisdom accrued over these years. Yet, as we celebrate this forward movement, it feels striking that our metric for this excellence is nearly a century old.
The 97th Academy Awards—the most prestigious honour of awards season, saved for last—take place this Sunday, and as that day nears, I am reminded of a question posed by five-time nominee The Substance: “Have you ever dreamt of a better version of yourself?”
With that in mind, here is a list of Oscar category suggestions for your consideration.
Most Gracious Losing Face
This Award recognises excellence in humility and acting while watching someone else win an award that should have been yours. Timothée Chalamet has been doing an excellent job with this so far, but Adrien Brody emerges as a strong contender as the big day approaches.
As for the female nominees, Zendaya would be a lock after appearing at the Golden Globes with an engagement ring on her finger. She was nominated but unlikely to win and left with copious congratulations nonetheless. A masterclass in moving like a real winner.
The South Bombay Award for Best Accent
This category would recognise Mikey Madison’s Brooklyn accent in Anora, Adrien Brody’s Hungarian accent in The Brutalist, in competition with AI’s work on Adrien Brody’s Hungarian accent in The Brutalist, Cynthia Erivo’s American accent in Wicked, and of course Ariana Grande’s Transatlantic Coloratura Soprano accent in The Wicked Press Tour.
Excellence In Category Fraud
Have you ever seen a lead performance so convincing that it convinces you into thinking it’s a supporting performance? This award celebrates that.
Kieran Culkin and Zoe Saldaña—both of whom arguably play co-leads in their respective films—have been winning every supporting performance award, even though their supporting performances are made so prolific by the fact that they are, ultimately, lead performances…
The Number One Boy
A nod to the season one finale of Succession, where Logan holds Kendall and tells him, “You’re my number one boy.” The eligibility criteria for this award recognises actors who were featured in Succession—with bonus points if their character was ever poised to take over the empire.
This year’s nominees include Jeremy Strong and Kieran Culkin deliciously pitted against each other for Supporting Actor, and of course Adrien Brody for the Lead Actor. Kieran would likely win this one, given his Succession father Brian Cox’s declaration that he “won’t watch” Jeremy Strong in The Apprentice, but has seen Kieran Culkin in A Real Pain.
Best PR Disaster
An embarrassment of riches, this category would keep us on our toes. Between Adrien Brody’s AI-enhanced performance, Justin Baldoni and Blake Lively’s mutually disastrous legal battle, Ali Abbasi’s recent allegations, and Karla Sofia Gascon’s bountifully unredeemable tweets, there’s no telling who could win.
Best Movie I Did Not See
My winner would be Conclave. I’ve heard great things though!
Method Dressing Award for Excellence in Dressing for An Upcoming Biopic You Want To Be Cast In
Prime contenders this season seem to be Ariana Grande’s (updated) ponytail and Emma Stone’s pixie cut.
Most Memorable Press Tour
Generating more tears and quotable moments than even the movie did, it feels only right to hold space for the expansive tapestry that is the Wicked press tour.
Wicked Press Tour Award for This? Again?
This award goes to a win so repetitious that it starts to give you déjà vu. Kieran Culkin would take this one. In fact, he would probably vote for himself. Wouldn’t you? This is the third time he has won on this list already.
At the Screen Actors Guild Awards this month, he won yet again and spent his speech remarking about how heavy the award was. He’s given so many acceptance speeches that there will be no one left to thank by the time he inevitably wins his Oscar.
And as for the name, if you think the Wicked press tour hasn’t been exhaustive enough, this is your reminder that there is a second film and an entire year of accompanying press remaining.
Beyoncé Award for Most Thanked
Have you ever heard an acceptance speech that didn’t thank the Academy? Parents? Fellow nominees? Given the collective thanks they each accumulate throughout the winning speeches, it only feels right to give them an honour of their own.
Bridesmaid Award for Best Dressed At An Event That Isn’t About You
From artists with no nominations to plus ones, if Kylie Jenner’s stunning Golden Globes Versace gown was any indication, you don’t need to be nominated to look like the star of the show.
Emma Stone Award for Oh God This Is Awkward
The history of this award has its roots in the Oscars. La La Land was wrongly announced as Best Picture winner in 2017 instead of Moonlight, because the presenters were given the wrong envelope containing the Best Actress announcement for Emma Stone.
Then, in 2024, Emma Stone was visibly shocked when she won Best Actress for Poor Things, yielding a deeply uncomfortable moment upending expectations for a historic and deserved win for Lily Gladstone.
The element of surprise is crucial for this award, but the Oscars typically deliver, with Emma Stone as a mortified witness, and produce cultural artefacts in the process. Will Smith’s slap heard around the world a few years ago is proof.
